Many of my friends and family have written in regards to my resolve and the attitude I'm taking to recovery.
I suppose I should offer a bit of an explanation, or at least begin a discussion, at this point in my road to recovery.
my attitude is the only one I can conceive as possible and appropriate. from the beginning I was not a victim, but already a survivor. that's the only way, at least how I see it, to move through cancer and gain insight on what is happening to oneself.
if you don't, as far as I can tell, you let yourself become devoured by the cancer.
my frame of mind is not necessarily unique either. i have found it among my parents, the staff at the clinic and all the other survivors receiving treatment alongside of me.
but i don't think war analogies are appropriate either. and certainly my cancer, in comparison to other experiences, is no way similar to a war or conquest.
so along with fighting against positioning myself physically and psychologically as a victim, I have also tried not to get caught up in a 'george versus his cancer' frame of mind. I still don't have the appropriate words to explain why, other than the fact the cancer, welcome or not, is still a part of me and it is a change in my body that will affect my future growth. accepted or not, it is present within me right now. of course, this is much harder to realize than it is said.
so I always appreciate reminds of such attitudes, like the one i got from my dear friend yolanda gonzalez, who told me yesterday not to think of this as my sickness, and though not my wellness, embrace this change and its potential and move forward with my cancer and not necessarily against.
and the notion of acceptance, as in the 12 step variety, i think is key to this attitude.
so I heard a song on a compilation my old friend scott macdonald made for me to get through recovery. it's called "the black and the red" by one reason. it's good, ol' anthemic punk rawk. I'm not entirely sure if the lyrics are in praise of the virtues of anarcho syndicalism or punk rock, or even if the singer is truly bellowing "this life is what you make it."
but for now, for me, those are the words. and that's the point.
I suppose I should offer a bit of an explanation, or at least begin a discussion, at this point in my road to recovery.
my attitude is the only one I can conceive as possible and appropriate. from the beginning I was not a victim, but already a survivor. that's the only way, at least how I see it, to move through cancer and gain insight on what is happening to oneself.
if you don't, as far as I can tell, you let yourself become devoured by the cancer.
my frame of mind is not necessarily unique either. i have found it among my parents, the staff at the clinic and all the other survivors receiving treatment alongside of me.
but i don't think war analogies are appropriate either. and certainly my cancer, in comparison to other experiences, is no way similar to a war or conquest.
so along with fighting against positioning myself physically and psychologically as a victim, I have also tried not to get caught up in a 'george versus his cancer' frame of mind. I still don't have the appropriate words to explain why, other than the fact the cancer, welcome or not, is still a part of me and it is a change in my body that will affect my future growth. accepted or not, it is present within me right now. of course, this is much harder to realize than it is said.
so I always appreciate reminds of such attitudes, like the one i got from my dear friend yolanda gonzalez, who told me yesterday not to think of this as my sickness, and though not my wellness, embrace this change and its potential and move forward with my cancer and not necessarily against.
and the notion of acceptance, as in the 12 step variety, i think is key to this attitude.
so I heard a song on a compilation my old friend scott macdonald made for me to get through recovery. it's called "the black and the red" by one reason. it's good, ol' anthemic punk rawk. I'm not entirely sure if the lyrics are in praise of the virtues of anarcho syndicalism or punk rock, or even if the singer is truly bellowing "this life is what you make it."
but for now, for me, those are the words. and that's the point.
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