September 6. 2007
The thoughts I share with you today are quite different from what I would have previously written. I have attempted to be brave and courageous as I dealt with the different medical tests and findings that have been a part of my life since I first got cancer in 1991. I have felt like a mouse in a maze, looking for the right exit but never finding it. I have had cancer five times over a period of sixteen years, and each time the loneliness and fear in my heart has been masked with the activity that is part of the Cancer process: doctors, tests, diagnosis, doctors, tests, treatment and doctors, tests, prognosis. Somehow it feels like a dance - the steps are known but the music changes.
On Tuesday night September 11, 2007, I received a telephone call at 7:00pm from my Pulmonary doctor. This already was a bad sign since most doctors never call to tell me "good news". So I got a piece of paper and a pen and listened as I was told that I had suspicious nodes in my lungs that might be indicative of metastatic cancer. After putting the telephone receiver back, I slowly started to fall apart like a dandelion in the breeze. I remember crawling into bed and sobbing in disbelief. I felt so blown apart and so alone. Just like a dandelion as it loses its battle with the wind.
Who was going to take care of me? Who was going to hold my hand and travel with me for doctor's appointments? treatments? follow-up tests? My sister has been dealing with her husband's own cancer challenges and my closest friends are dealing with their own family calamities and everyday normal crisis. Alone, so alone I felt...who was going to take care of me? I felt so childlike. Who was going to be my caretaker?
My therapist has been working very hard to get me to acknowledge my strengths. For some reason I had been very reluctant to do that. Finally, I started to think about what was nurturing and supportive about me and what strengths I had. Slowly, I was uncovering my Caretaker. My caretaker was telling me where to look for her and I followed the sound of her soft, loving voice.
This caretaker I sought could not be hired. Nor could she be forced into servitude. She is within me and I have to get to her and convince her that I need her. Since I never knew that each of us has a CARETAKER, I also never knew how to find her and call her into action. This special caretaker would provide me with security and stability. She was going to be my constant friend, lover, parent, cook, spiritual guide. fashion coordinator, medical adviser and any other role that I felt a need for.
I have sometimes heard my caretaker as she warned, "Watch out for that car." as I was driving; and I heard her scream out in pain and anguish when my mother died. She has held me to her and although her arms could not be seen, they were felt by me. This caretaker right now is just showing herself to me and I am learning to lean on her and utilize her gifts.
We seem to believe that a caretaker is someone outside ourselves who is hired to take care of the weak, the ill and the aged. The surprise is that this wonderful caretaker has always been a part of us! The best time to search for and find your caretaker is when you are young. But most of us don't know about this caretaker until much later in life and then the connection is harder to make. We have our caretaker with us from the day we are conceived. It is what gives us the strength to survive the ups and downs and all arounds of life. Each of us has a caretaker with us from the day we land on this planet.
I am still in the process of finding and befriending my caretaker and giving her a name. My therapist, who I trust and love, assures me that I will be successful, and I have every reason to believe her. And for some reason as I search for and find my caretaker a calm is coming over me. Yes, I am still afraid of my new diagnosis but I now know that I am not alone and this is very comforting. God bless us all. AMF
The thoughts I share with you today are quite different from what I would have previously written. I have attempted to be brave and courageous as I dealt with the different medical tests and findings that have been a part of my life since I first got cancer in 1991. I have felt like a mouse in a maze, looking for the right exit but never finding it. I have had cancer five times over a period of sixteen years, and each time the loneliness and fear in my heart has been masked with the activity that is part of the Cancer process: doctors, tests, diagnosis, doctors, tests, treatment and doctors, tests, prognosis. Somehow it feels like a dance - the steps are known but the music changes.
On Tuesday night September 11, 2007, I received a telephone call at 7:00pm from my Pulmonary doctor. This already was a bad sign since most doctors never call to tell me "good news". So I got a piece of paper and a pen and listened as I was told that I had suspicious nodes in my lungs that might be indicative of metastatic cancer. After putting the telephone receiver back, I slowly started to fall apart like a dandelion in the breeze. I remember crawling into bed and sobbing in disbelief. I felt so blown apart and so alone. Just like a dandelion as it loses its battle with the wind.
Who was going to take care of me? Who was going to hold my hand and travel with me for doctor's appointments? treatments? follow-up tests? My sister has been dealing with her husband's own cancer challenges and my closest friends are dealing with their own family calamities and everyday normal crisis. Alone, so alone I felt...who was going to take care of me? I felt so childlike. Who was going to be my caretaker?
My therapist has been working very hard to get me to acknowledge my strengths. For some reason I had been very reluctant to do that. Finally, I started to think about what was nurturing and supportive about me and what strengths I had. Slowly, I was uncovering my Caretaker. My caretaker was telling me where to look for her and I followed the sound of her soft, loving voice.
This caretaker I sought could not be hired. Nor could she be forced into servitude. She is within me and I have to get to her and convince her that I need her. Since I never knew that each of us has a CARETAKER, I also never knew how to find her and call her into action. This special caretaker would provide me with security and stability. She was going to be my constant friend, lover, parent, cook, spiritual guide. fashion coordinator, medical adviser and any other role that I felt a need for.
I have sometimes heard my caretaker as she warned, "Watch out for that car." as I was driving; and I heard her scream out in pain and anguish when my mother died. She has held me to her and although her arms could not be seen, they were felt by me. This caretaker right now is just showing herself to me and I am learning to lean on her and utilize her gifts.
We seem to believe that a caretaker is someone outside ourselves who is hired to take care of the weak, the ill and the aged. The surprise is that this wonderful caretaker has always been a part of us! The best time to search for and find your caretaker is when you are young. But most of us don't know about this caretaker until much later in life and then the connection is harder to make. We have our caretaker with us from the day we are conceived. It is what gives us the strength to survive the ups and downs and all arounds of life. Each of us has a caretaker with us from the day we land on this planet.
I am still in the process of finding and befriending my caretaker and giving her a name. My therapist, who I trust and love, assures me that I will be successful, and I have every reason to believe her. And for some reason as I search for and find my caretaker a calm is coming over me. Yes, I am still afraid of my new diagnosis but I now know that I am not alone and this is very comforting. God bless us all. AMF
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