Tooth Fairies, Angels, Easter Bunnies, Santa Claus, Leprechauns. Rainbows with pots of gold, and Happily Ever Afters --- These dreams and many more made up my childhood. I always thought everything would be magical and endings would always be happy. I thought that I had a puffy white cloud that God had selected just for me and that this cloud was in the sky and that this was heaven. I believed that I could jump from cloud to cloud, visiting friends and family. From childhood, to adolescence, to adulthood - these dreams slowly faded away as reality set in for me. Until recently...
Try as I may I could not hold onto my dreams as the harsh realities of life hit me. My father died when I was five and that challenged my belief system for the first time. What was death? and why couldn't I hear him any more? I felt vulnerable and overwhelmed. But I still had my angel, my very own angel. There was something consoling about having this angel to watch over me. I remember that as a child I would talk to my Angel and I always felt protected no matter what was happening in my life. When things were confusing and I felt alone, I imagined my angel sitting on a cloud and talking to God and interceding for me. No matter what the outcome, I thought that God had chosen it for me.
However, I have wanted to hide from adult realities - the painful ones: death, illness, poverty, failure, disappointment, love lost, etc. I could not achieve this adult fantasy! Many friends and loved ones have died and I felt that I never had enough time to say good-bye to them. My health became an issue and I have been involved with doctors and more doctors since 1991.In my address book I have a list of twenty two doctors who I see at one time or another during the year, by necessity not by choice. I think I have learned more than I should have about medical issues and medical terms. And then two years ago I lost my ability to talk fluently. This meant that my belief that I was the life of the party, a political sage , an advise giver and a teacher all melted away from me and broke my heart and I cried out loud and silently.
What I have realized recently is that I can superimpose my childhood dreams on my adult realities and the mixture creates a most delicious blend. When I decided that I didn't have to suffer as an adult and that both my angel and cloud were available to me, I grabbed on and went for the ride of my life.
With the help and support of my therapist and a few friends and many books , I learned that illness was not something that had to occupy my entire life. I realized that happiness was something I created and that the plans and dreams I had as a child could be realized as an adult. And I learned that I could speak in many different ways and in many tones.
I do yoga early in the morning when I am alone and then I meditate. How wonderful. During the day I practice my belly dancing and have found that I have learned a lot and that I enjoy moving my body to music. I write letters, e-mails and my blog. I cannot be silenced, if I want to be heard. I have found a doctor who is making me an appliance to help me speak better and I am helping to design its construction. People in general are very nice if I ask for help without complaining.
I have a wonderful teddy bear that I bought for myself and that I hold when I feel alone. I have a significant other who is learning to be my best friend and I make new friends wherever I go. Volunteering enriches my spirit and I soar higher than I ever imagined when I do random act of kindness. I am creating Adult Dreams and they are powerful because I can make them come true. God bless us all AMF
Try as I may I could not hold onto my dreams as the harsh realities of life hit me. My father died when I was five and that challenged my belief system for the first time. What was death? and why couldn't I hear him any more? I felt vulnerable and overwhelmed. But I still had my angel, my very own angel. There was something consoling about having this angel to watch over me. I remember that as a child I would talk to my Angel and I always felt protected no matter what was happening in my life. When things were confusing and I felt alone, I imagined my angel sitting on a cloud and talking to God and interceding for me. No matter what the outcome, I thought that God had chosen it for me.
However, I have wanted to hide from adult realities - the painful ones: death, illness, poverty, failure, disappointment, love lost, etc. I could not achieve this adult fantasy! Many friends and loved ones have died and I felt that I never had enough time to say good-bye to them. My health became an issue and I have been involved with doctors and more doctors since 1991.In my address book I have a list of twenty two doctors who I see at one time or another during the year, by necessity not by choice. I think I have learned more than I should have about medical issues and medical terms. And then two years ago I lost my ability to talk fluently. This meant that my belief that I was the life of the party, a political sage , an advise giver and a teacher all melted away from me and broke my heart and I cried out loud and silently.
What I have realized recently is that I can superimpose my childhood dreams on my adult realities and the mixture creates a most delicious blend. When I decided that I didn't have to suffer as an adult and that both my angel and cloud were available to me, I grabbed on and went for the ride of my life.
With the help and support of my therapist and a few friends and many books , I learned that illness was not something that had to occupy my entire life. I realized that happiness was something I created and that the plans and dreams I had as a child could be realized as an adult. And I learned that I could speak in many different ways and in many tones.
I do yoga early in the morning when I am alone and then I meditate. How wonderful. During the day I practice my belly dancing and have found that I have learned a lot and that I enjoy moving my body to music. I write letters, e-mails and my blog. I cannot be silenced, if I want to be heard. I have found a doctor who is making me an appliance to help me speak better and I am helping to design its construction. People in general are very nice if I ask for help without complaining.
I have a wonderful teddy bear that I bought for myself and that I hold when I feel alone. I have a significant other who is learning to be my best friend and I make new friends wherever I go. Volunteering enriches my spirit and I soar higher than I ever imagined when I do random act of kindness. I am creating Adult Dreams and they are powerful because I can make them come true. God bless us all AMF
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